Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Grey Day

Things went downhill last week. A former colleague (a psychiatric nurse) managed to find my pseudonym on Facebook (God knows how),  I declined the link as I felt it was probably a ruse by the mental health network to keep tabs on me. Shortly afterwards, I went out for a walk, something I haven't done in ages. A dog jumped up on me and knocked my phone from my hand and broke it. Then my cat became unwell. An item I had bought on Ebay never materialized. The next day my debit card began to be used fraudulently. At the time it felt like this was all cause and effect.

I began to suffer abdominal anxiety and brain pressure. Too many thoughts, not enough room in the cranium. It felt like hormonal implants had been secreted under my skin which were slowly releasing chemicals into my bloodstream and causing sudden surges of neurotransmitters. My head felt abnormal. Everything in my life became connected, it was all part of one giant bitstream flowing through me. I could hear people talking about me and laughing. Fortunately I still have a stash of chlorpromazine and took some to help calm me down.

I took to my bed not wanting to see anyone. I hated myself for this because I knew it was upsetting my wife. Despite my pathetic charade I managed to continue eating like a greedy pig and sleeping. After a couple of days I got up, for purely selfish reasons, my parcel had finally arrived from Ebay ( I had previously been sure I had been totally ripped off). On getting out of bed my old back pain returned which provided me with a great excuse to start drinking again. Once up and drinking I began to feel more normal again.

This is my second day up. My back is sore and despite my wife setting up my TENS machine (which always helps) I am sat here drinking again in the afternoon. But I guess at least I am writing something and not just staring at the wall with my head full of mad ideas.

I am due to see the shrink tomorrow but I still don't want to leave the house so my wife phoned yesterday to cancel the appointment and see if I could be seen at home. No word back yet.

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