Saturday, 31 October 2009

Photograph

Moonstone had suggested that I try and occupy myself with some sort of pastime like doing jigsaws rather than just sit mulling things over. She felt that distracting myself would reduce my delusions/overvalued ideas. Unfortunately I'm not one for jigsaws, sudokos etc. However, I was determined to get out of the house and start getting some exercise and fresh air. Photography used to be one of my hobbies so I decided from now on I would try and take a photograph each day (yeah I know... I'll give it a week).

I couldn't face walking round the neighbourhood. It might sound a bit odd but it's much easier to wander anonymously through the urban hubbub than risk meeting a familiar face here in the rural idyll where I live. So on Thursday I went to Glasgow.


And today I went for a walk in the woods.


I'm actually feeling fairly positive about the future now. Maybe I'll even get back to recording some music soon.

All the posts from February-October were imported from another blog in which I titled every post with a song title. I might try to continue that for a while. It could be a wee quiz... guess the band... no googling!

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Dr Heckyll And Mr Jive

I've been much better over the past couple of days. I've been up out of bed most of the time and my head has been much clearer. I've not been so paranoid nor as anxious.

The shrink arrived this morning and I was actually able to engage properly, even making eye contact occasionally. I got the usual lecture about my drinking and she again suggested strongly that I consider treatment for alcohol abuse. Hmmm. But she also focused on my sleep pattern which has been pretty poor. I usually go into hibernation when I'm down, sleeping 18-20 hours a day. Recently I've only been sleeping 4-6 hours per night. So she suggests I take 25-50mg chlorpromazine before going to bed (I've been taking it mostly during the day for anxiety).

She also asked that I chart my mood, sleep, alcohol and drug use. So I'll try and do that for next time. She's not coming back for two weeks which is good.

As ever I had been very apprehensive about the visit but after she left it was like a weight off my shoulders and I felt much brighter. I actually feel a bit driven now and am planning to get going again.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Doctorin' The House

The shrink arrived at the house this morning. I was terrified and sat gazing at the floor. Instead of talking I gave her a printout of the previous entry. After she read it the inevitable interrogation began. I answered reluctantly in monosyllables. I couldn't really explain in words how I was feeling. Thankfully she switched to talking to my wife.

Apparently my depakote levels are fine (76).  She has put me back on chlorpromazine 25mgs twice a day and she is coming back next week.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Grey Day

Things went downhill last week. A former colleague (a psychiatric nurse) managed to find my pseudonym on Facebook (God knows how),  I declined the link as I felt it was probably a ruse by the mental health network to keep tabs on me. Shortly afterwards, I went out for a walk, something I haven't done in ages. A dog jumped up on me and knocked my phone from my hand and broke it. Then my cat became unwell. An item I had bought on Ebay never materialized. The next day my debit card began to be used fraudulently. At the time it felt like this was all cause and effect.

I began to suffer abdominal anxiety and brain pressure. Too many thoughts, not enough room in the cranium. It felt like hormonal implants had been secreted under my skin which were slowly releasing chemicals into my bloodstream and causing sudden surges of neurotransmitters. My head felt abnormal. Everything in my life became connected, it was all part of one giant bitstream flowing through me. I could hear people talking about me and laughing. Fortunately I still have a stash of chlorpromazine and took some to help calm me down.

I took to my bed not wanting to see anyone. I hated myself for this because I knew it was upsetting my wife. Despite my pathetic charade I managed to continue eating like a greedy pig and sleeping. After a couple of days I got up, for purely selfish reasons, my parcel had finally arrived from Ebay ( I had previously been sure I had been totally ripped off). On getting out of bed my old back pain returned which provided me with a great excuse to start drinking again. Once up and drinking I began to feel more normal again.

This is my second day up. My back is sore and despite my wife setting up my TENS machine (which always helps) I am sat here drinking again in the afternoon. But I guess at least I am writing something and not just staring at the wall with my head full of mad ideas.

I am due to see the shrink tomorrow but I still don't want to leave the house so my wife phoned yesterday to cancel the appointment and see if I could be seen at home. No word back yet.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Oops Upside Your Head

I've been up and down and all over the place since the last post.

I managed to buy a PC on Ebay but it turned out to be a real pig in a poke. It fell apart when I opened the box, parts were misssing and it had numerous faults including a dead battery (obviously I left positive feedback to maintain my perfect image). After 5 days screwing it back together, working on the BIOS, formatting the HD and finally installing Windows and struggling with drivers and conflicts I eventually got the beast working. I frantically sketched down my ideas for songs before they slipped out of the thick, hazy semi-consciousness that is the all new me.

I was about to head off to the radio station for another night of dazzling repartee. Before I left I decided to check the programme schedule in case there was a new presenter on before me. I was stunned to discover that the station had shut down. I got in touch with the manager who presumed I had been sent an email telling me they were closing down due to lack of advertising. Nope. A week later I got an email saying they were starting up again and all was returning to normal. I found this all a bit weird and  wondered why they were fucking me about like this. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I said I  wasn't up to it just now and would not be returning meantime. He was really nice and said he hoped I would return at some point.

Now that I'm not spending my time preparing radio shows I have started getting involved with other musicians again and once a week going for a jam at a friend's house.

I forgot to say that I paid to have my new album distributed and it is available on various commercial sites including iTunes and Amazon. I also just bought some new recording equipment for the studio. I've also launched new websites as well as new profiles on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, etc.

Now, the reason I've forgot to mention these things is that I've not been so good these past couple of weeks. The usual stuff; spending more time in bed, not shaving, losing interest in everything, drinking more... and more. I usually try and hold off until making dinner at 4pm but have started having a fly one (or two) at lunchtime. I say a "fly one". Nobody knows but me but I am still trying to trick myself, such is the depth of my intelligence. "depth of my intelligence"... is that a real thing?

Anyway, unfortunately I see the dreaded shrink next week. We'll see what she has to say.

I'm thinking of returning this blog to it's original home as the original URL still tops the search for "uk bipolar blog". I feel guilty for leading folks to an empty page. Not that my crap is worth reading but surely arriving at a page of selfish drivel is better than arriving at a dead blank page.