Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Ball And Chain

I never made it to the lifestyle adviser. I was too ashamed to go, too unmotivated, too lazy, too fat. So my wife phoned and cancelled.

I saw the shrink on the Wednesday. It was an uncomfortable meeting. I told her how I'd now started drinking in the morning for the first time. She spent a lot of time telling me how nice the people at the jobcentre were and how they might be able to help me. She lives in another world, she is oblivious to the fact that the way a civil servant speaks to a Consultant Psychiatrist is very different from how they speak to scum like me. She said there was no obligation to do anything, all they wanted to was help. She hadn't seen the threatening letter that said if you do not attend your benefit will be cut. She's too pushy, too much on their side, she's supposed to help me and be my advocate. But I guess they all have targets and have to participate in joined up working. The DWP and the NHS, it's all the same thing. I reveal no more to her. Our dialogue is over. My mind is closed.

She asks about the lifestyle adviser and my exercise, I tell her it's all over, I'm not going out at all now as the DWP are probably watching me. She encourages me to go out more and says it's an important part of my treatment. Just as important as the pills. I ask if she will support me in this and she says yes... hmmm.

So I decide to push myself and against my better judgement I go out at the weekend. For the third time in three years I go into a pub. And once again it is a disaster, it all goes tits up. We meet an ex colleague who brazenly asks my wife if I've been putting it on. This convinces me beyond all doubt that everyone believes I am a fraud. My poor missus pretended to be cool but I know she was upset, all I am doing now is making everyones life miserable. I used to be a fairly harmless, worthless, twat but now I am a ball and chain to those who could use a lifebelt.

So I've been staying in. No exercise, just drinking and sleeping and jumping whenever the phone rings. Being totally selfish, that's me.

I used to be a somebody, a person, now I'm just a nobody. God, listen to me,  I sound so fucking pathetic.