Sunday, 22 February 2009

Monday Monday

Oh Monday Monday! I have to see the lifestyle adviser tomorrow. Over the past month I have dropped from 18stones 6 lbs to 16 stones 7lbs but all that has fallen by the wayside since the Jobcentre started pursuing me. I have stopped my daily 2 mile walks and my daily aerobics exercise on the fekn Playstation dancemat lest the authorities discover me. How do I explain the last week spent on my arse drinking and eating? I am ashamed at my lack of excercise and self sentenced solitary confinement. Nonetheless, I shall have to go and throw up my confession.

Saturday, 21 February 2009

The Carnival Is Over

I am paranoid about the police, doctors and all forms of authority, so the Jobcentre thing freaked me out. For the first time in my life I started drinking in the morning in an effort to calm my nerves.

My wife phoned my psychiatrist to see if I had to undergo the Spanish Inquisition. Unfortunately the shrink thought it might be helpful to go and see what they had to offer. Every account I have heard of "what they have to offer" is a humiliating experience where you have to sit within earshot of other claimants and divulge your medical and employment history.  After being shamed for being a workshy layabout, some smarmy bastard tells you having bipolar disorder is not like having a broken leg and you should get off these lousy benefits and get a job. Then arranges a whole series of further interviews and workshops. Not my idea of helpful.

Anyway the shrink phoned the benefits people who then phoned my wife. My wife explained I was a worthless tosser who was fit for fuck all. She cried and explained how stressed out I was by it all and how afraid she was that I would again become suicidal. Surprisingly they actually backed off and said they would leave me alone until next year when my Disability Living Allowance gets reviewed.

Thank goodness for my wife. She is my guardian angel who sorts everything out for me.

I have stopped going out altogether now in case the DWP have me under surveillance. I had been walking 2 miles a day in an effort to lose weight and had planned to actually go out to the blues night next Friday but there is no way I am leaving the house now. They might be watching me, just ready to remove all my benefits and send me to the fish factory. I will stay at home.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

The Letter

Just when things were beginning to level out, the bottom has fallen out of my world. The shit hit the fan, it came through the letterbox today. I have been summoned by Pathways To Work to meet an adviser at Jobcentre Plus to "help" me back into work.

I don't know what to do. I am not fit to leave the house never mind go to work. I tried to phone the shrink to ask what I should do but she was unavailable. I'll try again tomorrow.

I have been drinking all day in an effort to calm myself down.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Fool To Cry

Still down but much more relaxed today. Today has been much easier.

Weight: 16 stones 11lbs

Medication: Depakote 1500mg

Friday, 13 February 2009

Down Down

I can feel myself slipping further down. I've felt anxious, sick and nauseous for the past few days. I can't bear to see anyone and am so irritable. Even with my wife. I am constantly snapping at her when she tries to help me. I'm way oversensitive, even to the room around me, like someone going cold turkey. I don't know what I want. I don't think I want anything, just peace.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Due to concerns about my anonymity being blown and my identiy being revealed, I closed this blog down eight months ago. Now things have changed, I'm not so bothered anymore and a few folks have encouraged me to restart my blog. I'm so fickle I agreed.

Anyway, on 31st October 2009 I decided to restart my blog. I had been keeping a diary in private (actually several different blogs from time to time). I will now insert the entries from 12th February to 31st October and then restart this blog.

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

I guess it was only a matter of time before my cover was blown. There has been the odd person... err... I mean the occasional person who has recognized me in the past but then it has been someone from the real world stumbling into the blog world. Now I have people from the blog world identifying me in my real social networks. None of this bodes well and I'm afraid to say the end is nigh.

I don't really give a toss what people think about me personally but I do have family to consider and don't want them getting the piss ripped out of them. Nor do I want the likes of Dr Woodstock to think I am making a mockery of them. So it's with regret I tell you I'm shutting down my blog, this is the end of Bipolar Mo.

Thanks to all the folks who have befriended me over the past couple of years. Thanks to all the people who took time to leave comments and also to all the lurkers who although silent, brightened me up by showing up regularly on my stats. That's all there is to say really. I'll leave this up for 24 hours to feed the RSS readers then close down tomorrow.

Thank you and goodnight.
Best Wishes
mo x