Friday, 23 November 2007

I met with Frau Hoff last week, told her about my dismay at the day centre being shut etc. She said she had actually seen me walking the streets of Dullsville but added "you're never very sure whether to toot your horn or not"... yup, tough decision when you see a desperate nutter who might want a lift in your warm car. We agreed that it's pointless meeting again as there is nothing available for me locally. So that's the end of my occupational therapy. Auf Wiedersehen mein Freund.

Still no sign of the pirate. I haven't walked the plank since mid September but I'm sure he isn't far away, the bounder!

I got a phone message from the Volunteer Centre yesterday to say they were still trying to find me something. The guy also asked... err... what is it you want to do again? UNBEFUCKINLIEVEABLE!

I replied via email saying that I now didn't want to proceed with my application as I wasn't feeling well... I didn't add that I wasn't feeling well due to being fucked about by one twat after another. I can no longer tolerate the sludge of the outside world, it's like wading through a swamp of inertia. While the tectonic plates and continents move steadily around the earth, the people above seem strangely frozen and detached.

It's not all doom and gloom though. I'm pretty busy at home and am really getting my head down and making progress with my music. I've managed to record a couple of complete songs over the past two weeks and now have about 7 tracks for my next CD. Yay!

Thursday, 8 November 2007

After reading my last post, Zarathustra described me as misanthropic. What a beautiful word. It sounds so glamorous and mysterious. It makes me sound like a palaeontologist or a butterfly collector rather than just a miserable old git. Anyway, my life of misanthropy continues. I took the bus to Dullsville again yesterday and walked the streets until it was time for the day centre to open. Quelle surprise! Once again it didn't open. I went to a cafe and sat nursing a coffee until the looks started to say "your times up". I then walked the streets again before sharing the packed bus home with rowdy teenagers. 5 hours of my life spent cold and bored. I am not going back again. Volunteer Scotland still haven't been in touch about getting me any work. Today I planned to go to Glasgow but Mrs Mo (who has now recovered from the shingles) said no. She doesn't want me travelling long distances on my own. So it looks like I'm detained in high security... err... I mean home for the time being.

Friday, 2 November 2007

Mrs Mo is on the mend and settling into her new job which she started on Monday (despite her shingles). Although she's still really tired most of the time (almost sleepwalking at times) a the pain is starting to ease off which is really good. Hopefully it won't be long until she is 100% again.

I've achieved nothing over the past week. I bought a classical guitar on Monday and have spent a fair bit of time playing it. I finally got to use my bus pass when I went to the day centre on Wednesday. However, I endured the 50 minute stinking bus journey (behind a mother who eventually changed her baby's solied nappy) only to find the day centre was closed for the day. Out on the street I met one of the guys from the centre who was passing by. He said they had cancelled Wednesday as they had a Halloween party the night before. He thought everybody knew. So a big thanks to the day centre from me. I was trapped in Dullsville until the next bus came a couple of hours later, worse still this guy insisted on staying with me until the bus came. We went for a coffee which I thought was nice of him and then walked the streets. Unfortunately the guy seems to have learning difficulties and poor social skills and despite my scolding, he persisted in making lewd comments to women passing by. What an embarrassment. I dragged him into the park and kept him sat there under close supervision until my bus was due in. As you can guess, I had a great afternoon and am keen to continue going to the day centre.

I've also been to the volunteer centre to see what was happening with my application to do voluntary work. I met with yet another development worker and went all round the houses again about what I wanted to do etc. Once again, I thought I had got things sorted out but got a phonecall the next day asking me the same questions I had answered the day before. I absolutely despair at the incompetence of every organisation I come across from AOL to the NHS and the prevalence of the indifferent and unhelpful "it's not my job" attitude that pervades throughout them all.

I also continue to get blanked by quite a few people in town. Sometimes I'll just smile and look for a nod or if it's someone I was quite friendly with I'll turn and say "hello". Now you might think that because I've put on a lot of weight they don't recognize me. But if someone in the street said "hello" to you, wouldn't you look to see who the stranger was rather than turn the other way and walk briskly on (as another 2 people did yesterday)? This is not about me being oversensitive or paranoid, it's about the stigma of being a lunatic.

Now I'm not complaining or getting depressed, quite the opposite in fact. I am still in great spirits. I'm simply pointing out that the "you need to get out amongst people again" advice that everyone gives me is crap. That doesn't work for me, "getting amongst people" gets me down. Everyone I meet, from my psychiatrist to the village idiot, they all have the same philosophy and are only too keen to force there words of infinite wisdom on me... "you need to get out more". Well guess what, I have and all it does is annoy me and make me miserable. From the bus driver on Wednesday who simply shrugged his shoulders as he didn't speak English and didn't know if the bus he was driving was going to my destination, to the rude receptionist at the health centre yesterday who made me feel like I was asking her to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders rather than just get me an appointment at the cardiovascular clinic.

I really hate coming into contact with the human race nowadays. I am more than happy sitting at home, cooking for the missus, farting about on the internet and generally living the life of Reilly. This is where I am happy. Of course, you may be thinking, he could get CBT, or go for assertivness training to help him deal with these situations. But why? Why on earth would I want to go and put up with these twats if I don't have to? It's a bit like saying "through hypnotism and meditation we can help you endure ECT without an anaesthetic"... why would I want to?

Well that's the end of my upbeat, cheerful musing this week, now I'm off to check out Ebay.