My PC revealed pathetic and bitter "poor me" crap posted on my web pages. I searched my outbox and was hugely relieved to discover that I had not sent any malicious emails. I decided I was never going to drink again. I momentarily considered speaking to my doctor about the booze but immediately discarded that idea as they would probably think it was a ploy to get benzos. Anyway, I'd already decided not to ask for help again. I don't know if it was coincidence or not but over the next few days all the oedema left my legs and for the first time in ages I could slip easily into my shoes. I had no cravings, tremors or anything like that. Quite the opposite, my recent wave of increasing activity continued. I was back recording in my little studio.
For about a week, all was good in the house of Mo, despite my wife having a drink most nights. The weekend came and I thought "oh what the hell, I'll have a couple of beers". No problem. Then this week I actually went out of the house to do some shopping... and bought a bottle of wine. I had a couple of glasses one night while making dinner, then the same the next night. No big deal. Anyway, last night we did another little shop and I bought a box of wine. Now I know it must look like I'm heading straight out of Damascus on the bullet train but let's just wait and see.
I know it must look like I am in complete denial but unlike the last anonymous commentator I don't think I actually have an "addictive personality" if such a thing exists. I have never suffered any kind of withdrawal symptoms when coming off antidepressant drugs that many "normal" folks say they "go through hell" coming off. And I've been on and off most of them. Apparently nicotine is the most addictive drug but despite being a heavy smoker for over 30 years, I stopped smoking overnight while in hospital with a cardiac problem.
I have certainly "self medicated" (you can translate that as abused/misused substances if you like) in the absence of any alternative. Even the Pirate concedes that antidepressants are completely ineffective on me and although he will happily prescribe one if I want to try them again, he feels they are of no benefit to me. I have actually spent most of the past 3 years in bed, not taking anything and it's only in the periods when I have been half-way-up (like the Grand Old Duke of York) that I have used alcohol to reduce anxiety and misery. OOOOOPPSS!! I've just realised I'm protesting my innocence too much (alarm bells start ringing in head).
Anyway, back in the real world I'm getting much busier. I am now only sleeping about 7 hours and getting up in the morning and going to work in the studio. Although previously just recording, my writer's block has resolved and I am busily writing and recording an album of new songs. I have also been trying to change my ISP as I have found much cheaper alternatives to AOL. Unfortunately escaping from the clutches of AOL is about as easy as throwing off the scent from a pack of wolves only a few yards behind you and I am forced to spend lots of time negotiating with cyborgs on the Indian subcontinent who are doing everything they can to stop me getting my MAC to swap provider. The rascals!