Friday, 27 July 2007

Mrs Mo is having a hard time at work just now and has started smoking again to help her stay calm. She saw our GP this morning who continues to support her. She is still on Citalopram.

A couple of weeks ago we were out for a walk and actually went into a local pub for a beer, first time for a couple of years. I met a couple of old aquaintences who have seen me out walking occassionally, they commented that I'd be better off getting a job than going out for walks. Subsequently, I no longer wish to be seen out walking and malingering. I've not been out since.

I'm not really doing anything just now other than lying in bed and getting up to make our evening meal. I'm still on the depakote and still waiting on the OT and support worker.

Friday, 13 July 2007

Well, I saw the pirate today and told him I was ready to move on and I basically needed a kick up the arse. He is arranging for me to see an Occupational Therapist to see what I can do.

I again asked him about my diagnosis as I still feel like an imposter, a fraud and a bit of a malingerer. He reiterated that both he and Ben Elton have diagnosed me bipolar. He also feels I respond to stress by withdrawing inside myself i.e. going to bed for 2 years. He says it was my last job that made me "crack up". He looked surprised and when I disagreed saying that I enjoyed my work, he eyed me with that "you poor delusional fool" look... "That's not what you said at the time"...he raised his eyebrow and pulled a smug smile.

I really don't think him or Ben really listen to me at all, I went mad after being fucked about by a malicious cardiologist. I now wish I'd never went to see him. Psychiatrists always make me feel worse about myself.

Monday, 9 July 2007

Have washed occassionaly but still unshaven. Scary to see that parts of my dark beard are completely white... must be due to stress rather than old age. Been out twice over the past week, my wife has taken me to meet to an old friend and to visit relatives. Other than that I've been mostly in bed. I usually get up in the afternoon and make the evening meal for Mrs Mo coming home. Enjoying cooking (accompanied by wine of course).

Anyway, I met my artistic friend last week who also has chronic mental health problems. He was home visiting but lives in the city and has a support worker who involves him in the art scene there. He was also very positive about his treatment. I'm not sure if it is because of speaking to him or for some unknown reason but very much to my surprise I have asked Mrs Mo to contact the pirate. I think I might be ready to move on. I see myself sitting around bloating, getting fatter and fatter and think maybe it's time I actually got a good kick up the arse. I'm not sure about this at all but I've made the first tentative step.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Not washed for a few days and 2 weeks growth on my sour face but I have been up and did this. Here's my mood chart since January 2004...