Saturday, 28 October 2006

I felt thoroughly miserable today. Eventually crawled out of bed around 2pm and helped my wife tidy up the garden for a while. She then took me for a drive around town after which I went back to bed.

I seem to be wallowing in self pity today. Pining for all the hobbies I've lost... playing the guitar, singing, fishing, walking, cycling and going out. Life seems so empty now. I go back to the hospital in the morning. If this weeks ECT doesn't bring about any change I think I'll call it a day with the shrink. None of the pills have helped me, the ECT isn't working and the nurses just leave me to lie in bed 24/7.

We visited my sister then the in-laws this afternoon. We talked about the weather and how all the leaves are falling from the trees, all sorts of chit-chat... bar lunacy... my condition is never mentioned. In fact the only person who looks me straight in the eye and asks "how are you doin'?" is Sheila, one of my neighbours. She seems completely unperturbed about my depression, it's so refreshing. Always a pleasure to meet her.

Saturday night without alcohol was a real pain. I begged the missus but she was adamant... no booze! So I'm going to do the mature thing and go to bed early in the huff. Goodnight!

Friday, 27 October 2006

The shrink was in a really foul mood yesterday, nothing positive to say, playing with his phone and palm-pilot throughout our meeting, which really cheered up my wife... NOT! Anyway, I had ECT#6 this morning, all uneventful as far as I know. I slept for most of the day. Late afternoon a doctor took bloods to check my LFTs (Liver Function Tests). "Have they been abnormal?" I asked (I knew my Ggt had been elevated in the past), he went and checked my previous bloods and returned "No they are all fine". I was going to ask well why are you checking them then but I fell asleep again.

Anyway I'm back home for the weekend now... yay! ..... but the wife has removed all the alcohol... boo!

Thursday, 26 October 2006

Heading back to the loony bin this morning after one nights pass. Due to be fried again tomorrow.
Venlafaxine has again been reduced to 225mg.

Wednesday, 25 October 2006

Just when things were starting to go well, I go and reveal myself as a psychopath. After writing the last entry (on Friday), I sat down, had a few drinks and went to bed. Woke up in the night came down and sank a bottle of rum and then decided to go walkabout. By the time I got to my old school it was about 9am. Being a Saturday, everything was locked up, so I broke in through a back door and went for a nostalgic trip around. Unfortunately all the classroom doors were locked. After about 10 minutes of suffering, I suddenly realised what the horrible noise was... the alarm! I found a hiding place in the gym, a cupboard full of exercise mats.

Soon I heard the front doors bang open and the sound of footsteps approaching... didn't sound like the Police to me. I heard a woman's voice and slight footsteps cross the gym towards the cupboard... eek! "Please don't get a fright" I said as the doorhandle turned "I promise not to hurt you"... "Have you been there all night?" the lady asked repeatedly, before saying aside "Wait there Lyndsey, I'm going to get help", the lady then ran away. I thought it best that I run off too, so left the cupboard only to find a small child standing alone, poor wee soul. However the best thing I could do was get out of the place.

I was on the run now, so went to the off-licence, bought a half bottle of rum and took the next bus to Edinburgh. Spent a while sitting in St James centre then found the next bus home. On arrival home I was hugged by Mrs Mo and then the Police arrived. They all said I was to go back to the loony bin which I duly did.

Been in bed most of the time. Got ECT #5 yesterday and am now home till tomorrow morning.

Friday, 20 October 2006

Back home for the weekend after ECT #3 and #4. I managed to get my Chlorpromazine reduced to 25mg pre-op but am still sleeping all day post ECT... it's probably just the anaesthetic making me drowsy.

I think I am starting to feel a bit more animated... but am also developing quite a few tics and twitches.

Saturday, 14 October 2006

Well my first ECT went fine on Tuesday... or so I thought... I was told later that I had woken suddenly from the anaesthetic, jumped off the table and demanded to know what was going on. "ECT!!!" I screamed in horror "I never consented to that!"... I think there was a bit of a panic on... I have now been prescribed Chlorpromazine 50mg as a pre-med before future treatments (to keep me quiet).

I think they managed to electrocute me on Thursday without any problems. It's hard to know for sure though. I wake up completely disorientated and with the previous 48 hours memory erased. I sleep for the rest of the day and feel a bit more lucid the next morning. Is the treatment doing me any good? No improvement as yet but being in the loony bin is OK. I have my own single en-suite room and I know most of the staff as I used to work here.

Saturday, 7 October 2006

I was initially indifferent about the ECT but as tomorrow draws nearer I'm getting a bit apprehensive about being electrocuted.

Thursday, 5 October 2006

Been in bed since Monday. My psychiatrist came to the house today. I'm going into hospital on Sunday for a course of ECT.

Monday, 2 October 2006

Got up in the early hours of Saturday morning, grabbed a bottle of rum and a box of Diazepam and headed down for the river. My wife called the Police and I ended up back at home feeling a right twat. Been in bed since and am going back to bed now.